Heart’s numbed

Damn lah. Singnet shut down temporarily (like 5 secs) and my post just vanished. Thanks ah.

I’m friggin upset already and the internet had to do this to me.

I nearly had an asthmatic attack this morning, almost killed me. Contemplated a relapse of my previous bronchitis experience, but apparently the phlegm was the culprit. According to my sister, who’s visibly frightened, I jerked up and began hyperventilating – no, ten times worse. I thought I was going to die.

I take it that my life’s inadvertently downgraded it’s worth, reduced and all I’m left with is that little bit of dignity to carry me through. I’m sucha loser. Being ignorant and carefree carries so much more meaning than being forced with all these shit. I can do nothing but subsist with what life wants of me, my mentality has to emulate, and this faux psychology has completely changed the facade of willpower. It’s different this time. It’s mature but apparently weak. Then sometimes I see those who’s lost and gave up, they venture out, they cross the fine line into atrocity and what not and they revert to ignorance they used to indulge in. It’s not the childhood anymore. They don’t listen anymore. It’s just their own life from now on. I judge with resolution, but then I feel uncomfortable. Who am I to do that if I don’t even know what I really believe in? Of course, I’m don’t go to the extent of faking and all the ugly pretence, but it’s just not me.

It’s really difficult to be myself, I’m forcing it against gravity. I’m probably trying to cover up for my weak personality, I think it’s unworthy, and yes, I’m definitely not optimistic about myself. It’s always been that facade created in me that tells me to hold on, angel or not, it seems to be working. I’ve been telling people what this facade tells me, but my heart definitely has a certain extent of incongruity. I’m just too feeble to admit it. An inaudible and muffled sound amist the hustles and bustles of adolescence. God knows what I’m saying. Life baffles, and the human mind is convoluted.

My lungs are damn overtaxed from the excessive coughing, I hate it.


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