Hopeful

Haven’t been blogging in eons, like really. I don’t know maybe it’s just the lazybug that’s gotten over me. Time’s like lightyears, I mean it’s as if one day’s monday and the next is friday already. Weekends are just ass-on-the-chair time, where your pen ink just flows like nobody’s business.

Life’s been rather depressing, come to think about it. I hardly even know what I’m doing most of the time, whiling my precious life away in school. I have issues with almost everything I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ve been, to the ultimate max, plagued by cca stuff that I can’t even take proper breathers during recess ): It’s like staffroom every five minutes or so. It has never changed much, not since competition started and not even when competition’s ended. It marked my end-of-career kinda thing, well not like I contributed much anyway but yeah, secondary school cca is almost to an official stop. I feel it coming, the nostalgia and the wasted. Anyhow, it’s still running in and out of the staffroom. Month of April hasn’t changed anything.

&I don’t know what’s happening, it’s just something so sudden. I feel it, it’s too obvious to be ignored and dismissed just like that and it’s definitely taking a toll on my emotional health. I just don’t get it. I have the gruelling urge to ask why but then again, me being such a coward like I always were, will never make it to the first word. It made me think how was I like for the past few months though, it’s evoking enough honestly. &Painful, not to forget. How I behaved, my mannerism, all that I’ve said, I wondered if I was ever overboard. I have no clue as to how to judge myself but I know best when it comes to my own sincerity, I never stray. If you’d ask me, I’d tell you I’ve treasured it ever since God gave it to me, I never once despised anything about it. It never once occured to me that things could turn out this way, nor there was even a possibility ’cause I was so sure it was the kind that never failed anybody. I really really don’t know how to go about doing this. Ah, God a friendship’s at stake. I don’t think I’d ever want to graduate with this residing guilt of not getting this resolved. Maybe it was just misunderstanding? Either that or I really should glare at myself in the mirror and attempt to slam myself down, because I’m an idiot when it comes to relations, much less communication. Things work out sometimes because they are supposed to, not because I made them to be.

I don’t want the answer tonight, I’m really exhausted by my ignorance and foolishness. I shall attempt to sleep through it and bother myself about it again tomorrow. It’s tough going but I’ll never really know what fate brings at the end.

“Wait and see,” they’ll say. How apt.

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