Silent nights

Blasted, I feel damn stupid. I’m just drowning, honestly.

It felt as if I saw a coin in a wishing pond, shiny sparkling attractive coin. I want it. I want it so much, and just so that I can comfort that hungry need and that fill that empty void, I slip into the pond. Falling, falling so bad. Just because of a bloody coin that does not give a damn about you, about why you’re trying so hard. &At the end of the day, it just proves to be a whimsical fancy which makes utterly no sense at all and unbelievably a waste of precious time; at the end of the day, you won’t even get near it. All you see is water rippling over, an inpenetrable veneer of a unearthly existence that shields it off. You’re worlds apart, dear- it would say. Why is the coin so perfect, is it a gleaming epitome of today’s societal expectations? Of the new generation? Often we lose ourselves in this cynical greed we forget much. We only remember the materialistic, the beautiful, and the glamorous. Why then, can’t people understand the beauty of an inner self? It’s because it’s too distant. They remember only the coin, they forget lush greenery hidden deep in the heart of nature and everything else in this world, save the mission of getting your hands on the coin. It has become a desperation and a need. A habit and an image.

The cruel truth is that I have yet to see the coin without its coat of gleam. I’ll never know what it’s like to own it, to have it in my hands.

It has been three years. Three full years whenever I see the coin I’ll be dying to step off the edge of the water and invite myself to impending self-destruction. Then I’ll see another coin, another one, and yet another. Each time a novelty, each time the beauty catches my eye. How powerful is this thing called outer appearance of deception. Then it won’t be long before the first silvery coin I’ve set my eyes upon grabs the attention again, craving your desire and greed. It leads you around foolishly then leaves you to drown deep.

But it’s always the first. The first that leaves a preeminent impression. The first that lets you down the greatest, the first that leaves you with eyes of contempt. Why is it that you lead me to such greed, why is it that you leave me with hateful pining of something so superficial?

The best thing is I don’t even know how true are my thoughts. I deceive myself much, and I’m well aware of that. Is it purely superficial, or is there something in the coin worth considering? The right answer will never come. Not like math, not like differentiation, the answer will never come.

If only the coin could read, if only the coin would read.

Just some healthy muses. Suitable doses a week helps to relieve stress, not that anyone really visits this place. I don’t know what I’ll do without this, I never want to know. I finally understand what it’s like for a proper outlet, everything just pours out, (of course in the form of analogies) I hate being direct, even with myself. Though I’d have to remind myself that I’m living in harsh reality, cold metallic and dreadful. I detest those moments of guile deceit. Tiring, ever as tiring to think, think and think.

Damn I want to stop, I just want to stop thinking, for once, for a moment, just to stop.

Silence is a lie,
a silvery lie
a lie of deceit
kills all honesty
hides all truth
sheds all faith
silence is a quest for peace that will never come in this world.


One thought on “Silent nights

  1. Lenny, don’t be sad 😦

    I guess you’re going through one of the phases that i sometimes go through, wondering what’s life all about…

    Sogh, but don’t worry, I guess as long as we’ve got the comfort of our chocolate mousse, it’ll all be relatively well! 🙂

    Let’s go after the coin together! (whatever it means :p)

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