Gosh the more I think about it the freaking goner I’ve become.
Yes, I’m a Goner, Gone.
Results officially coming out on the 12th, and I tried to act like it didn’t matter for the past few days but of course, who wouldn’t succumb to all the pressurizing things you hear and see from all over the place? I don’t even dare to visit the MOE website now.
We were saying how lucky those people who get on stage every year are, they get to be relieved earlier, complete with straight A’s and everything. True, they might have worked harder and they have the ability to keep themselves in control of their lives unlike me, but it’s just so painful to sit there in uncertainty and wait for all the spectacle to be over, wondering how you’d react with the piece of paper put so cautiously in your hands, and after queueing for what seemed like hours to receive yours and you’d be quaking with the amount of fear needed to agitate a tsunami. You wouldn’t have the strength to lift the flap up. Damn. I never knew how people survived after the whole thing.
I honestly have no intention of reliving the time I received the chinese O’s results, it was terrible, period.
(It’s probably the fear of the unknown again)
Somehow I think it’s the fact that I feel I’m being scrutinized, by the world, and everything else around me. Even inanimate objects seem to be staring at me so intently I feel afraid to be natural and just take things in stride. I’m too bothered by the fact that people might look down on me, or that it’ll be the end of the world once I see the L1R5 so very schemingly cross the number ten. I don’t want to disappoint anybody since a damn lot of people pinned damn high hopes on me, and most of all I hate disappointing myself, even though I very well know and admit that I didn’t put in 100% of my effort. So why am I here complaining? It’s cause I took things for granted, so easily, so conveniently. Seriously, I can’t blame others for consistently asking me about my exams. In their eyes it’s being concerned but of course they can’t empathise there and then, that you’ve had probably enough about the exams buzzing at your ears. I wished I never had this attitude.
I’m looking in the direction of ‘crash and fall’. Let’s just say, I’ll be calling myself stupid when if I even manage to do well, laughing at all this rubbish I’m saying here, but then if I screw, it’s another story altogether. Maybe I just want to look good to the world out there, or that the world is out to make me too good to be true, forcing unwanted facades on me. I’d just enjoy being myself, if not for all these.
(Patience is key, we only have wait-and-see)
It must have been living in this strange world for too long, all its effects have been rubbed off onto me. Like how regret always seems to be inviting itself into your life automatically after something bad happens to you. I want to close my doors on regret but I feel trapped, in a world of my own. Sometimes I call myself A perfectionist yet too lazy to perfect anything. How conflicting.
And like how everybody’s favourite hobby is to procrastinate, it’s mine too. I’d like to quit the club but it’s a habit already. That’s where life sucks. It takes so much of you to get out of a habit and yet so little of you to form a bad one. Strange that I can only talk a lot so inspiringly when I’m on the verge of falling asleep. It’s like getting drunk and being able to spout out every little bit of your life in such minute details and not really knowing what you just typed. I just keep going and going, a drunkard spewing nonsense. I learnt this from the Korean dramas, they really drink a lot. And most of them, like how it is in shows, just talk all the cock truth whenever they get drunk, wth.
I happen to like shooting my mouth off everywhere up to a point it’s uncomfortable. Double damn. I’m gonna get unconscious soon so I’ll just end it off, with this.
In every drama, every ending is a happy one. This world has too many sad endings; Too many sickpeople in this world, too many lost souls and youths. Everyone knows that’s what life is all about. So why should we emphasize what everyone already knows in dramas? If the message isn’t hopeful, then it’s not worth mentioning (Because no one cares about something hopeless) Anyone who makes a drama should just realise that even a sad ending is just a paradox, our way of wishing for a happy ending.
– Joo Joon Young, The World That They Live In.
Something worth brooding over. Happy brooding.
I must be crazy to be acting one thing in the day and another in the night.