It’s 1 am and I’m feeling terrible. I doubt it’s even the spate of events that happened within the past few days, I mean there’s more to rejoice about if I think about it, but then again, like I always say, I get really vulnerable when its deep in the night, everybody’s sleeping, it’s silent, and here I am thinking about things that don’t come to me in the day. I feel like I’ve sunk into the bottom of an ocean and am currently melding with shipwreck and what not’s.
I suddenly thought how it would be like if I were to be really intelligent, or really tall and pretty, or eloquent and maybe very rich. How much happier would I feel. Would I even feel happy at all? I think these things are subconsciously going through my mind everyday, when I see people who trump me in these aspects. I wonder how they feel like, how they live their life and what do they think about everyday. How much different would things be? Everyone’s probably aware of the same old saying that looks don’t matter, but it’s really how much you believe in that, and how much you can make yourself understand that. I have to admit, I have this inferiority complex thingy going on. I suppose it’s not so much of a problem for me because I’m not extreme but I’m very idealistic about how I should feel and behave. Then the whole thing gets too complicated. I’m so conscious of this complex that I get a little depressed about it sometimes. It’s like I’m questioning myself, why do I get so shallow. And I have to keep reminding myself to look beyond those little imperfections I have and try to envision myself being brimming with confidence and living life the way I want to. It’s hard. I know, it’s hard for everybody, to fight these little emotional battles within them once in a while. I don’t know what spurred me to say all these but I just had to spit them out. Like falling into a bottomless pit
And just as I was feeling upset, I watched gwaenchanha appattal and realised there really is a lot more out there to be grateful for, and to be sorry for. That drama just speaks to me in miraculous ways, sometimes I wonder how the scriptwriters and directors do it. Watching it as a drama is one, and acting it out is another. The cast is just so awesome because they can convey the intended feelings with such natural conviction and the moral of the story is just too real.
Suddenly life becomes so queer. It’s like staring at something for too long until it becomes too familiar that it comes across as something beyond recognition. Gosh I have this love-hate relationship with my ramblings sometimes.