but I guess it doesn’t hurt to write, especially when writing is at its most therapeutic.
I don’t know. I really don’t know what’s become of the purpose of me staying. I’m going to write about something I’ve been repeatedly emo-ing over thousands of times but it never gets old (in a bad way). I recalled a scene I watched in INR2012. The LP guy recounted a story to Yeolmae, and at that point in time it felt really really corny to me, but unfortunately I have come to realize I can actually relate to it to some extent.
His story was something along the lines of this:
When he was still a clueless kid, he looked after a tree with all his little might, shuttling in between a water source and the tree with a bucket in hand, watering it whenever he could. When you love something, you’d do everything to protect that something, and that will be the only thing that resonates in your mind (for the most time) and it’s the only thing you’d know/feel that you need to do.
This occurred to me when I felt the sores on my fingers. I don’t know how the hell I ended up with those when I shouldn’t be getting it. I looked at them, twitched my fingers, felt a little nudging pain, then began to wonder if all I did/felt all these while was in vain. I guess I’ve been harping over the same problem for so long, I probably got numbed from it. I felt strangely calm today and I’m partly grateful for that while a little part of me is feeling desolate, disillusioned in some little corner tucked away in my complex mind. I ignored the incessant nagging and did what I could, wasn’t bad for a start, but I established this barrier long ago in my mind that I will never be as good, or never get anywhere else with this. So ultimately it comes down to the question of the century: Did I really love doing what I was doing? To some outsider it may seem highly insignificant that I should be fretting over this. After all, I’m not fully obliged to continue, I just have a remaining bit of responsibility to fulfil and some due respect I ought to pay. But it’s been years of me struggling with this. Years. While others just climb, slowly but surely, I seem to follow the scratchy path of a seismic indicator, inconsistent and unsure. I have to give myself credit for all that effort but I’m fully aware that it’s never going to be enough. It’s too deeply entrenched in my mind that I have resigned to it. I never wanted to acknowledge this resignation but I think it’s because I know what’s going to happen eventually and that kind of certainty just puts everything into perspective.
And amusingly, I think I have other reasons which made me stay on too ^^ But I shall not divulge. And to those people who have been such impeccable help, doing whatever they could to make me feel better (albeit indebted), I’m thankful.
Great, a load off my mind for tonight.